Mother of Invention

What I’ve been lead to believe is that necessity is the mother of all invention, but according to my fourteen year old son, it’s laziness that created everything we enjoy in the modern world. His theory being that if he can convince me a total lack of ambition is world altering, I’ll pat him on the back, look him in the eye and say; “Well done son, the human race owes you a debt of gratitude for laying on your bed watching Youtube videos for fifty years!” Okay, I’ll bite.

Starting in the beginning with the invention of the wheel, I will concede that an overly determined person would simply carry multiple loads of firewood on their back to their cave instead of building a platform with a circular object under it that can take more load at once and not be nearly as strenuous. This is a brilliant strategy as it would allow all the teenagers in the caveman village to play the same video game from start to finish for the eighty seventh time while their parents brought home the necessary materials to cook their meals and keep them warm. Score one to my son for inventing the wheel.

For the next world altering innovation let’s pick the compass. I’ll have to admit wandering around the woods lost could easily fall under the category of major suckage. If you’ve ever had children and participated in a car ride that takes any amount of time you’ll know what I’m talking about. The level of pressure applied to your brain from the complaining makes your head feel like it’s going to explode and implode simultaneously. I know that’s impossible, but neither one of them alone is enough to describe the amount of torment inflicted on one’s skull. Can you imagine WALKING from place to place? A teen had to be the inventor of that one as they must be under excruciating anguish to do that much caterwauling. 

Let’s consider the automobile, I can almost guarantee one of my son’s group did this. Before the days of opening a door, sitting on a seat and turning a key, we got around by way of horseback. This would mean a lot of caretaking and preparation to get from one place to another. If the youth today had to maintain these animals, it would severely cut into their sleeping habits. The brilliance in their cunning is unfathomable. If the entire world had that kind of goal setting and determination we’d be on easy street too.

Sticking with transportation, trains and airplanes provide massive time savings. Picture if you will a wagon train west. Week after week of nothing but dust and bugs and bumps and uncomfortable riding and sleep conditions. This is no way for royalty to travel. With a couple tweaks here and there the already created motor can afford our princes and princesses their much deserved time to shower for an hour. You know that the whole trip across country in those days our precious teens were trying to figure out how Superman shot lasers out of his eyes so they could burn holes in the back of their parents heads. Luckily they learned aviation instead.

Moving along the timeline a little further we bump into the refrigerator. This is one of my favorites, I can’t conceptualize life without one. What must it have been like having to go down into the root cellar every time I wanted a nice tall glass of lukewarm milk, or a midnight snack, or to have something to stand in front of with the door open for so long that I’d forget what I was doing there and was content to daydream and watch everything inside turn brown. To the youthful innovator who came up with that one, I thank you.

I’m not sure if I’ve got the order of operations right or not, but we’ll look at this next little beauty anyway; the light bulb. Stubbing your toe in the middle of the night is no laughing matter, so the best strategy for that is to leave the light on all the time. Let’s face it, hopping around in the dark on one foot cursing for 5-10 minutes is a complete time suck when all you need to do is not bother taking a moment to flick the switch the off…ever! That in of itself is wasted effort silly reader. I’m still not sure why they invented the switch in the first place.

Now the internet, is a truly fine piece of work, it has cut effort wastage into fractions. Going all the way down to the library is a thing of the past. What do they even keep in there anymore anyway? EVERYTHING is online. Now they don’t ever have to leave home to see their friends or play games with them. Once again laying on beds or couches beats putting in the time and effort to meet outside anywhere near fresh air. With internet at fingertips, and productivity at a bare minimum, it looks like these little geniuses have us right where they want us.

Robots are coming along nicely but don’t think our hero’s are satisfied. Nope. I still don’t believe we’ve seen their complete potential. Take comfort in in the knowledge that they have as many members of their staff on this holy grail of physical inactivity. Fathom this; you’re a teenager, when you creep your sleep encrusted eyelids open every morning/afternoon you are addressed by an automated voice, “hello master, are you ready to have me carry you to the washroom, get you breakfast and then carry you back to bed?” You wouldn’t even have to scream “get out of my room!” to anyone.

Upon further reflection, I haven’t given my sons insight enough credit. With what his people have brought the world we do owe them a debt of gratitude, but unfortunately without doing homework, he’s still going to be dumb as dirt, not inventing bupkis. And clean up your room while you’re at it, I can’t see the floor.

April 2020